Tuesday, July 9, 2013

F.E.E.L.I.N.G.S.

Slow day today, I have this thing going in my head. What is going on? I don't fucking understand. How did this happen?

I suck at this. Badly. I have no idea what am i supposed to do. Is there like a manual for these kind of things? Yeah sign me up.

So kinda been a retarded week for me.. Well last week. Today's Tuesday so I cant tell you about this week till next week.. lol.

I dont remember the last time we made eye contact. Like seriously. Last time I look up, she looks up, BAM! Eye contact, followed up by the sweetest smile that could kill all my doubts, my trouble, my pain. Now, all thats left if a cold barren land where even viruses run for their life.

We hardly even talk. Sitting opposite me, we usually have a little chat. Short simple, but hey it makes me happy. Makes the sun shine brighter. I miss that. Its like she completely disappeared. Even though sitting right in front of me, she might as well not be there. But this is worst. I can see her but i cant do anything.

Nothing can be done. Maybe something can be done. But I don't know what to do. Sigh. I feel so helpless. Fuck.

You know, I'm wondering how she actually feels. Or what is she feeling. Well mind reading would be perfect at this time. Does she feel the same, does she feel even anything, is this one sided? Well, those questions will never be answered. I know.

Thats what makes it hurt so much. Maybe i kinda went in too fast. After years there is this huge hole in me and i want it filled desperately. Maybe its this rashness that led me to fall so fucking hard. I think I'm still falling. Maybe this is all because she has a boyfriend. Will it be different if she was single?

This is the overthinking shit that is going on in my head for the past few days. SOHAI LA ADRIAN. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT YOURSELF INTO.. At least last time, i have friends of the girls i like to talk to, to get some pointers and status update. Now, im like running behind enemy lines and FUCK. Stepped on a land mine.

Not gonna fucking survive. Not going to make it. Are we still in school? As much as I love high school drama, this is not the place and time to have one.

I have this  other thing I have to say, so some people in my office thinks that I'm a playboy. WTF? LOL. I told the guys and laughter burst out faster than a fat kid's burp. I dono how it happened. Maybe its cause im friendly towards girls. I mean saying hi, wave and joking with them. I dont know..

Is this why she is keeping her distance from me? I remember this one time, she asked me a question, so i told her, and she says i was sweet. I told her that's good right, she told me guys shouldnt bee too sweet. O.o, am i gonna give you diabetes. Apparently guys being too sweet will lose sincerity and that would turn a girl off.

That to me was new. I mean that was the weapon all guys use right? Was she hurt in someway in the past for her to tell me something like this? Either she's inviting some drama into her life or being cautious. I dont know. FUCK..

Then there is another thing that is also going on. At this stage in life, I'm sure girls want someone whose ambitious, goal oriented and know what they want. Right? For a city girl, yeah, i think so too. Currently to be honest. I have on ambition, no goals and have no idea what the fuck i really want.

Thats how lost i am. Im just living in the moment, going with the flow, procrastinating and not doing anything to move forward in life. I guess its my way of slowing the fuck down after going all out for the thing i wanted most. My Rae.

Failed a year in Monash, knocked some sense into myself, i studied hard, even got ACED a few subjects and finally graduated, that feeling was awesome, cause i had a goal, i want to graduate, get a good job and buy my dream car at the time was the new CRZ. So what happen? I did it, graduated, found a job within a month and bippiddi boppidi boom, got my car.

My car is not to showoff, its not to get girls or attract stupid things. Its an achievement. My achievement. Something i got for myself. Something that i worked extremely hard for. In the end, what i really wanted is to share it with somebody. I thought she was going to be the one..

Maybe what i do is encouraging all these. People tell me that the both of us are being very obvious. Off course its obvious. IM OBVIOUSLY DOING IT OBVIOUSLY.. I heeded the warning yet i continue to feed it.

Sigh.. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH, so many things i wanna say, but i dont know how to connect them.. ZZzzz i feel distraught.

MAYBE ITS NOT ME!~ Its her, but somehow its affecting me. Sigh. Stupid feelings.



Its been raining since 8am. and most probably will continue till evening. Sigh. Hate this kind of weather. On the bright side, i get to wear my coat. I look fucking cool in it. LOL. At least some good came out of this.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Back. Once fuking again.

Oh hello there,

Im back. Not sure for how long. Just needed a place to say somethings and i remember. I HAVE THIS PLACE!!..

Public you say? I dont care. Why?

In a way im kinda stressed. I have this feeling inside me. Which I haven't felt for a long time. I dono why, it all started a few months back. Backup.. so I'm currently working in CBSA Berhad, which is like only 5 minutes away from home. 

FUCK YEAH!! I wanted this job. Any job besides sales will do. Why? CAUSE ITS 5 MINUTES AWAY FROM HOME!!.. :D

Im not gonna lie to myself. So fuck it, I'll just say everything out here. If you read this then so be it. I don't care anymore.. maybe a little. AHH whatever~~ 

Yes in case if your thinking "IS IT A GIRL?" Yes. Yes. Its the only reason why i came back here. I just need to get it out. Fuck me.

I would really like to start formt he beginning cause i feel like i have FUCKING loads of things to say but fuck it.. im cutting it straight to the present. Its eating me up from the inside. Sigh, again, i havent felt this way in a long time. Not since Ms.E. 

This feeling i have. It hurts. It pulls. and sinks. Ok. So to the main point. I think I've fallen for this girl. This girl. She's pretty that i cant deny, she's fair. She has long hair. Big eyes. Killer smile. Well yeah, i know alot of girls like that. Met them, know them but i didnt feel like this for them.

What sealed me in was our interaction. FUCK! The laughs we have, the smile on her face. I told you, KILLER SMILE. Her personality and character is something different. Totally different from S and i think in a way similar to E. Hmmm..

Is there an off switch? Am I in Vampire Diaries? No. So no off switch. Means im fucked. Fucked in the heart. I guess its bound to happen. We met at work about 3 months back. She is sitting opposite me. So means eye contact, face to face everyday for the past 3 months. We interacted, we laugh and smile at eatch another. Shit.. it was bad, it seems we were flirting, am i doing it intentionally, maybe, hey im just being me. She? fuck would i know, maybe she's doing it intentionaly, or she's just being nice, or she's like that, or she's completely oblivious to it. 

So how i fell into this simple, MIXED SIGNALS. So we went out.. not on a date, for work, my job requires me to go out to see customer, she's new so i had to train her, so after we went to see out customer, we stopped over at chatime. YES FUCKING CHINESE I KNOW.. LOL

Whatever, we bought the drinks, sat down and talked. obviously i just got to know her, so i asked her some stuff you know. to expand our working relationship. So we talked. i got to know she hates lychee cause i ordered that and i like it.  among other stuff, so i got to the million dollar question. At that time i was like running out of questions to ask so ASKING ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP STATUS would be normal right? 

So i did, "are you single?" She gave me a smile and said "why?" Damnit women, the Mars aliens want to know! Obviously its a piece of information that i want to know. So i replied "asking only lo".. something like this i guess. So usually well people. Will give a "Yes" or a "No" answer. Its that fucking simple. HAHAHAHA guess what, she gave a third answer. "It's Complicated"....
.
.
.
.
.uhhh... oh...

WHAT?? Its complicated? My head started coming up with various explanations to fucking understand what did she just say...

So i was like, "that is not an answer!!" Stupidest answer to be ever said. I tried getting a definitive answer out but no joy. So what the fuck. Deep down inside i know the answer is yes. I mean come on. Right... But like me i was in denial, brain says yes, heart says no. 

I told this to a few people, some told me she's trying to have fun, playing me, didnt want to get into a relationship, scared of me (LOL).. but what the hell i dont care, all i heard myself said is.. LETS DO THIS!!!!

And down the fucking rabbit hole i went. Maybe she wasnt in a relationship at that time. Just maybe dating someone. Fuck would i know the difference but there is.. Anywho, time continues, we would just sit opposite each another, telling each another jokes, making each another laugh and smile. Seen by others a flirting. Rumors started spreading in office...

Apparently its quite obvious that there is something going on between the two of us because we've been seen together alot. I mean what the fuck, we're in the same team and obviously we will be seen together alot. But nooo, apparently what we are seen doing together in public is quite obvious, the interaction we have. Hmmmm....... Times goes on... Once, we went to McDs after meeting a customer, bought two sunday cones and just sat in the car under the drizzle eating our ice cream. 

Yeah if we were the couple, i would say that is romantic as fuck! but we werent.. just saying.....

We went to Penang, my genius idea of bringing all the BA's to Penang to clear outstanding cases and sort out those with problems, and also training the new BAs which is her and another colleague. So yeah, all and all it was quite a fun trip cause i think... we did get to know each another more.. 

Hahahaha, i asked her out on a movie date and she shot me down. Dinner too and got rejected. fuck.. i felt like shit. I mean like.. hmmm.. Ruby called me a moron and said "LIKE THIS SHE DEFINITELY GOT BF LA" Well Ruby's right. the moron part, mind you.. im still in denial..

Then one little day, she didnt drive to work, so i offered to send her home and she said her dad will come and pick her up.So i left, and i got home, chatted her up on Skype.We talked for a while and then she said her dad wasnt coming, so i reoffered my services.. (LOL).. and this time she said those words. 

"bf coming to pick me"

Arrow to the heel, dagger to the heart, bullet to the head. Yup its cleared. So whatever.. Me reading that sentence didnt really an impact on me.. why? like i said deep down i knew it. So yeah. It didnt catch me by surprise..

Ok this might take quite long cause i need to explain alot of things. Im an idiot. I can honestly say that. Maybe i got too invested in something that is not going to bear fruits. Maybe i should not have put so much feeling into it. Then what? become an insensitive jerk? that is not me. Not at all. Im stuck here.

There's a saying.. "if it continues someones gonna get hurt" well i did. I have fallen for a person which i cannot have. I dont want to just stop all communication with her.. it hurts not talking to her. but if this continues it hurts too... so yeah. GREAT JOB MAN. Im stuck. Left or right? Up or down?

Worst thing is. People told me there are other guy collegues texting her too.. yeah. That got me by surprise. The moment i heard that, my heart sank, like it was dropped into a deep dark well. That feeling sucks.  not sure it was jealousy or what. but i didnt like that feeling. Kinda still have those residual feelings at the moment. Pfft.. FUCK!!

Think i'll put a bookmark here. I think it is long enough. Not sure when the next post will be but it maybe repetitive. I have alot to say. FUCKING LOTS.. Sigh.......  

Im in a well. A deep dark well and once in a while she lowers the pail for some water. I dont want to be that. I want to be her waterfall. LOL.. I have no idea to what im saying now. I keep my telling myself i dont care, but who am i trying to lie to? I do care, I cared. I cant move on. FUCK!~

Women, cant leave without them.. LOL well for me.. Sigh. So whoever reads this congrats! hahaha.. oh wells...

I'm coming home tonight. So give it all....