"move on"
"why are you still holding on?"
"forget about her"
Yeah, this is so damn easy to do. *sarcasm*
Its not. Ok maybe it is, but there are side effects to this. The psychological effects it has. It sucks, its depressing. Fucking depressing. I dont know. I feel very detach at the moment, feel like an extra wheel. Feel like i dont belong.
Is this the effect of me trying to move on? or the effect that i dont speak their language? I think its both. Pfft. No really, I've tried to reduce our contact. I think i cut it off so hard and fast, my heart took a cut in the process. Now its like we're strangers. We dont even look at each another in the eye anymore.
It feels like she's pissed about something. Something I did, something i said, maybe. I dont know i dont read minds. But i get the vibe, the feeling she gives off towards me. So yeah, it hurts seeing how we turned out. I was willing to do anything for her.
Never in a long time i felt this way. Never was i willing to go all out for a girl. Then, I found this one, and i had hopes, some glimmer of it. False hope is what it was, fueled by my own denial and ignorance, that light got stronger but suddenly things spiraled out of control.
Just when i gotten comfortable around her, i came out of the shell and jumped right into a storm. Shitstorm. Mutilated, lacerated, and bruised is what my heart got. I was warned that this wasnt gonna end well. Is this the end? I dont know, as long as she's here, its not.
So i dont know where to go or what to do, persevere? Brace the storm and go on through? Go back into this shell? Cut my losses and move somewhere? I dont know. Fuck this. This thing has been hell for me, my motivation has been off because of this.
The day i do not want to come to here is when its time to move on right?
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Is this ever enough?
Life is dull, fucking dull. I don't know why. Currently. Its slow, depressing and mind-numbing boring. I'm sick of this place, I feel like i'm not wanted. I feel left out by people who i think i was close to. People who I thought I bonded with, people who i thought i can trust and talk to. I feel like i'm an extra piece on this chess board. There is this void, like a black hole, its slowly eating me away. Carving piece by piece of my soul. Day by day this painstaking job is taking its toll on me.
Maybe I was naive, thinking colleagues and become close friends, meh, the time i actually open up to people and it backfired, maybe i should just go back into the shell like previously and just mind my own fucking business.
I lost it. The motivation, the momentum, the joy, the mood, the fire. Don't know where its gone, maybe its the expectations or the promises that were made and then broken and all there is left is the dire disappointment and despair.
When I first started this job, only thing got me moving was the dream i had. The dream that one day i will come to own my car. Then that happen, i told myself, this car will be my stick and my job will be the carrot. For people its usually the other way around but the way i see it, if im not doing a good job at work, my car will kick my ass cause of i lose my job, im screwed.
Then she walked in, i can tell you, the fire came back, like a firestorm, a nuclear bomb explosion, a tsunami, what ever the fuck you want to call it, somehow it fueled me, i came to work early, i get all my things done, i worked like a god, i was on top of the game, got everything fucking thing done right. Like all good things, it must come to an end. Feels empty nowadays, for the past few months, I've seen hope, I've felt hope. but its gone.
Like the candle in the wind, the fire snuffed out faster than you can blink. Despair and sadness crept in. Slow and surely eating me away and all i feel is this emptyness and the need to affection grows. WHAT THE FUCK am i writing? I don't know, im writing this while im in the office, looking around, nothing seems special anymore, just a dull slow spinning room waiting for the time to past so i can resume my shell life.
Something needs to happen soon, i need that something. How low can a person drop till it his the bottom. I don't know, i don't want to find out. I feel like im hitting the bottom soon. I need the spark, the firecracker, the lighting and thunder again.
I need to getaway. Go somewhere new, refresh everything, sometimes i wish for a new life, but the thought of leaving everything behind and start new scares the fuck out of me. I guess thats human nature or behaviour.
I read somewhere that "If a persons laughs at anything and everything, this means that deep down inside the person is lonely." Hahaha, fuck man, I guess that is like so true right? Why am i always laughing or trying to get people to laugh, i guess making them laugh makes me laugh so i can get a little joy in life for a while. Then it fades and the cheerful light goes away. Sigh..
I really have no idea what i am writing, i have so many things to say, but i cant organize it properly so like a floodgate im just writing whatever comes to mind.
Oh and i hate you now. Like really. Thin line between love and hate right?
Maybe I was naive, thinking colleagues and become close friends, meh, the time i actually open up to people and it backfired, maybe i should just go back into the shell like previously and just mind my own fucking business.
I lost it. The motivation, the momentum, the joy, the mood, the fire. Don't know where its gone, maybe its the expectations or the promises that were made and then broken and all there is left is the dire disappointment and despair.
When I first started this job, only thing got me moving was the dream i had. The dream that one day i will come to own my car. Then that happen, i told myself, this car will be my stick and my job will be the carrot. For people its usually the other way around but the way i see it, if im not doing a good job at work, my car will kick my ass cause of i lose my job, im screwed.
Then she walked in, i can tell you, the fire came back, like a firestorm, a nuclear bomb explosion, a tsunami, what ever the fuck you want to call it, somehow it fueled me, i came to work early, i get all my things done, i worked like a god, i was on top of the game, got everything fucking thing done right. Like all good things, it must come to an end. Feels empty nowadays, for the past few months, I've seen hope, I've felt hope. but its gone.
Like the candle in the wind, the fire snuffed out faster than you can blink. Despair and sadness crept in. Slow and surely eating me away and all i feel is this emptyness and the need to affection grows. WHAT THE FUCK am i writing? I don't know, im writing this while im in the office, looking around, nothing seems special anymore, just a dull slow spinning room waiting for the time to past so i can resume my shell life.
Something needs to happen soon, i need that something. How low can a person drop till it his the bottom. I don't know, i don't want to find out. I feel like im hitting the bottom soon. I need the spark, the firecracker, the lighting and thunder again.
I need to getaway. Go somewhere new, refresh everything, sometimes i wish for a new life, but the thought of leaving everything behind and start new scares the fuck out of me. I guess thats human nature or behaviour.
I read somewhere that "If a persons laughs at anything and everything, this means that deep down inside the person is lonely." Hahaha, fuck man, I guess that is like so true right? Why am i always laughing or trying to get people to laugh, i guess making them laugh makes me laugh so i can get a little joy in life for a while. Then it fades and the cheerful light goes away. Sigh..
I really have no idea what i am writing, i have so many things to say, but i cant organize it properly so like a floodgate im just writing whatever comes to mind.
Oh and i hate you now. Like really. Thin line between love and hate right?
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