Lost in translation.

Hey. Yeah it's been awhile. Again. I'm here to let things out. I don't know where else to say this. So here goes.

I feel like you've made your decision. Feels like your pushing me away. I have this feeling inside of me which I know. So what's up? Why don't you tell me.

Why are you still stringing me along. Let me go. Just do it. Just get it over with. Everyday I die a little inside. I understand that you've chosen him over me. I'm okay with it.

I always thought you'll be independent. Strong and brave enough. But what you're doing now is just. Just not right.

I'm at the point where I could either love you. Or hate you. How it turns out, I guess I'll know it soon enough.

So where did it all go wrong? Did I push you away? Did I force myself on you? Did it all move to fast? You put me in this situation. You put me in this race. A race which was an uphill battle.

Remember what you said to me? It seems those words means nothing at all now. Little things you do. Little things you say. I hate this feeling. The feeling that all I can is the back of you. Slowly walking away. Into the distance.

You were fun when we were just friends. I guess we're not suited to be together. Communication is some kind of a barrier between us. I always thought if we had chemistry, communication wouldn't be a problem.

But you. You choose to shut me out. Not even trying to talk to me. To even trying well anything. Feels like a one way street. If this is a precursor to our future. Then it's not going to work between us. So please. I beg you. End it

I love you too much to let you go. But clearly, we're not meant to be. You have your own world and it seems you're desperately trying to keep me out.

Maybe I have been a little sensitive, who am I kidding, I have been emotional. But I'm not afraid to hide it. I thought the purpose of being with another is to be true to oneself and to each another. Clearly you're not.

Or maybe I just don't know you all that well. Or I do just that I'm not admitting it cause I have this vision of the person you are but you're not.

I tried. I gave you my best and what I could. Maybe it wasn't enough for you. It's ok. I'll try harder next time. I've tried to be better. Better for you. Guess it wasn't enough to convince you.

Tell me darling. What now?

1-2-oh fuck off..~~

"move on"
"why are you still holding on?"
"forget about her"

Yeah, this is so damn easy to do. *sarcasm*

Its not. Ok maybe it is, but there are side effects to this. The psychological effects it has. It sucks, its depressing. Fucking depressing. I dont know. I feel very detach at the moment, feel like an extra wheel. Feel like i dont belong.

Is this the effect of me trying to move on? or the effect that i dont speak their language? I think its both. Pfft. No really, I've tried to reduce our contact. I think i cut it off so hard and fast, my heart took a cut in the process. Now its like we're strangers. We dont even look at each another in the eye anymore.

It feels like she's pissed about something. Something I did, something i said, maybe. I dont know i dont read minds. But i get the vibe, the feeling she gives off towards me. So yeah, it hurts seeing how we turned out. I was willing to do anything for her.

Never in a long time i felt this way. Never was i willing to go all out for a girl. Then, I found this one, and i had hopes, some glimmer of it. False hope is what it was, fueled by my own denial and ignorance, that light got stronger but suddenly things spiraled out of control.

Just when i gotten comfortable around her, i came out of the shell and jumped right into a storm. Shitstorm. Mutilated, lacerated, and bruised is what my heart got. I was warned that this wasnt gonna end well. Is this the end? I dont know, as long as she's here, its not.

So i dont know where to go or what to do, persevere? Brace the storm and go on through? Go back into this shell? Cut my losses and move somewhere? I dont know. Fuck this. This thing has been hell for me, my motivation has been off because of this.

The day i do not want to come to here is when its time to move on right?

Is this ever enough?

Life is dull, fucking dull. I don't know why. Currently. Its slow, depressing and mind-numbing boring. I'm sick of this place, I feel like i'm not wanted. I feel left out by people who i think i was close to. People who I thought I bonded with, people who i thought i can trust and talk to. I feel like i'm an extra piece on this chess board. There is this void, like a black hole, its slowly eating me away. Carving piece by piece of my soul. Day by day this painstaking job is taking its toll on me.

Maybe I was naive, thinking colleagues and become close friends, meh, the time i actually open up to people and it backfired, maybe i should just go back into the shell like previously and just mind my own fucking business.

I lost it. The motivation, the momentum, the joy, the mood, the fire. Don't know where its gone, maybe its the expectations or the promises that were made and then broken and all there is left is the dire disappointment and despair.

When I first started this job, only thing got me moving was the dream i had. The dream that one day i will come to own my car. Then that happen, i told myself, this car will be my stick and my job will be the carrot. For people its usually the other way around but the way i see it, if im not doing a good job at work, my car will kick my ass cause of i lose my job, im screwed.

Then she walked in, i can tell you, the fire came back, like a firestorm, a nuclear bomb explosion, a tsunami, what ever the fuck you want to call it, somehow it fueled me, i came to work early, i get all my things done, i worked like a god, i was on top of the game, got everything fucking thing done right. Like all good things, it must come to an end. Feels empty nowadays, for the past few months, I've seen hope, I've felt hope. but its gone.

Like the candle in the wind, the fire snuffed out faster than you can blink. Despair and sadness crept in. Slow and surely eating me away and all i feel is this emptyness and the need to affection grows. WHAT THE FUCK am i writing? I don't know, im writing this while im in the office, looking around, nothing seems special anymore, just a dull slow spinning room waiting for the time to past so i can resume my shell life.

Something needs to happen soon, i need that something. How low can a person drop till it his the bottom. I don't know, i don't want to find out. I feel like im hitting the bottom soon. I need the spark, the firecracker, the lighting and thunder again.

I need to getaway. Go somewhere new, refresh everything, sometimes i wish for a new life, but the thought of leaving everything behind and start new scares the fuck out of me. I guess thats human nature or behaviour.

I read somewhere that "If a persons laughs at anything and everything, this means that deep down inside the person is lonely." Hahaha, fuck man, I guess that is like so true right? Why am i always laughing or trying to get people to laugh, i guess making them laugh makes me laugh so i can get a little joy in life for a while. Then it fades and the cheerful light goes away. Sigh..

I really have no idea what i am writing, i have so many things to say, but i cant organize it properly so like a floodgate im just writing whatever comes to mind.

Oh and i hate you now. Like really. Thin line between love and hate right?

BEBIH BEBIH EM HOUUUUU

ok this is the BEST.. when i say BEST! i mean it.. BEST YOUTUBE VIDEO EVVVERRR!!~~

honestly this is one of the best vid i've seen on youtube.. its EPIC WIN! btw.. its in Cantonese Chinese.. so yeah..

Captain Jackass and Faggotron

U can unlike this most as many times as u want.. i juz wanna let this out.. this is even more awesome than the House Party with gays and police.. more about that later..

see todays futsal was err.. not epic.. kidna funny.. so our team is kinda passive on violence.. most agressive thing we've ever done was when puvi got kicked and he stood up and shouted loudly.."WTF IS UR PROBLEM!".. thats all.. usually on other times puvi is the tamest guy on the field!.. LOL.. rhuban will juz say "wtf?".. ban will give that "i will kill u glance".. HAHA EPIC!.. Naza well.. he'll juz keep it inside then in the car he will say "mahai that fucker".. HAHAHA.. then me.. well i'll juz call them names.. LOL..if we win..

so got this new "team" came and play.. out of the 5.. 2 were champions.. one wears a blue jersey with the number 7..

we shall call him Faggotron and another is the keeper.. which wears gloves but its for decoration cuz the only thing he'll be saving is his vagina.. LOL!.. lets call him captain jackass. so yea we played them 1st.. we kinda lost.. o well.. its all rhuban's fault!.. ahaha.. so watever we went out.. then after they beat the the next team.. game on! its our turn.. naza was the keeper.. he threw the ball from goal post and right onto me in front of the oposite team's keeper.. it was such an AWESOME throw from naza.. it his my shoulders and went in... they retards called for "NO GOAL!!"

1st of all it hit me and went it.. so how is that not a goal? fine.. 2nd.. the keeper.. Captain RETARD!.. o wait was it jackass? ok CAPTAIN JACKASS! after the ball deflected off my shoulder and was going into goal.. he CATHCES the ball *pointless use of the glove.. didnt help*.. and BEING A HERO! he jumped into the goal.. ==!!~~~.. then best.. he shouted "NO GOAL!!".. i was like.. DUDEEE wtf? u know that expression of the rock when he does that brow thingy? oh ya.. something like this.. LOLOLOL.. the guy with the blue jersey.. aka Faggotron.. GOT PPISSED!.. best thing he can ever say was "like that also counted?".... DUDE IT TOUCHED ME AND ENTERED! HOW THE FUCK DOES IT NOT COUNT? ARE U FUCKING RETARDED?.. it all started there.. u see his face damn farny.. he was red and pissed!.. he took the kick and FUUUU dono where the ball went.. o well they lost and we stayed till literally didnt care abt losing cuz we were so fucking tired of playing.. we juz let the game go.. we stayed in about 7 games.. During games we played with Captain Jacktard and Faggotron, they were well kinda unhappy cuz from the way they played.. either they hook rhuban's leg or push zach, they ended up conceding a goal.. i quote from rhuban.. "everytime he kick me i score a goal"... ahah rhuban was so pissed, with this condition of his leg which he shudnt even be playing dribbled thru 7 plaayers.. well 5 a side but 2 of them came back for more.. so yeah 7.. got thru 7 and scored.. .. LOL!.. IN YO FACE!..

stupidest thing i've seen is... i'll do this as if i was the commentator..
"oh and faggotron has the ball.. he got past zach.. he's OPEN! wats he gonna dO!? he does a stepover!.. anotehr stepover!.. he's still open.. no one is infront of him.. yet another stepover and OH NO HE RAN INTO RHUBAN!.." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... i swear.. i was outside looking and went DUDEE WTF?.. i cant stop lauging.. omg.. wat a retard.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..

well then things kinda went even more south after a pass from rhuban came to my feet.. stop with my left leg.. ONE ON ONE WITH CAPTAIN ASSTARD! instead of scoreing.. i shouted FUCK U! and o well.. scored past him.. maybe i shudnt have said that.. maybe i shud.. o well.. glad i did.. ^^ oh and Captain Jackass was pissed all he did from the oustide was stare.. i think he's gay.. =)

so they're pissed.. well pissed cuz they're on a losing streak.. like lose so much u wanna elbow the other team's striker cuz he's pissing u off.. well i'm the other teams striker.. LOL.. i was like looking at the ball coming to me.. suddeny a palm and elbim came from behind.. i was like... err watever la.. losers.. we won i kinda shouted "aww the girls have to go out.."..

the real drama started during the last 5 minutes.. the ball was open.. i ran to get it suddenly Faggotron came and instead of winning the ball.. he was trying to win my ass.. i think he's gay too.. LOL.. i had enuff.. he was having the ball.. i charge towards him with my elbow and hand stkicking out.. with no intention of winning the ball.. lol I MISSED!.. DAMN!.. ahahahah.. o well he got pissed he started pushing.. then from the end of the field.. Captain Jacktard came running.. "wanna FIGHT IZIT NOW?" Faggotron high up with his muscle said.. "come la!!~".. oh i remember him calling me "pussy" thats why i put my finger on my lips.. LOL.. o well..

i got so many things running thru my mind.. so many words i wanted to juz shout out.. but all that came out was.... nothing.. LOL.. i put my finger on my lips telling the faggot to shut up.. u know wat he say? "SHUT UP!".. my finger still on my lips.. and i am nodding "OK!" and u know wat he say? "SHUT UP!".. DUDEEE IS HE RETARDED?

so we kinda wanted to continue to play.. but the other team came in and said "guys call it a night.. times up".. 1st thing came out of my mouth was.. "good!.. at least we dont have to play with girls..".. LMAO.. that kickstarted the whole thing..

Faggotron and Captain Jackshit ran straight to me.. and Captain Numbfuck said "wtf u calling girls now?".... ................................. i wanted to laugh so badly.. i juz cant take it.. everyone was pushing them and me apart.. then out of no where.. NAZA!... my hero!.. he was outside of the court.. the other side.. suddenly juz ran in and push Captain Retard!!!!!.. LMAO.. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! if i'm not mistaken he said "WTF IS UR PROBLEM NOW?".. omg Captain Jackass being a retard.. "he calling us girl!".

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AAHHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..

ARE U FUCKKING KIDDING ME?... This is wat happens when u call a fat guy.. who wears gloves when palying futsal and dont even use them to save his life.. GETS PISSED! cuz he was called a girl.. WTFFFFFFFF????????.... maybe he shud have juz shut da feck up.. OHH OHH.. Naza was throwing words at them!.. they were trying to get to Naza yelling "HIT ME LA!.. WANNA FIGHT IZIT? HIT ME LA?!" ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz now u know wat i mean when i say girls? i put my hands over naza's shoulders and said.. "naza ur my hero.. but lets not waste time on these girls.. its not worth it..".. we smiled and left..

ohh the Dynamic Fuckos still not getting enuff.. we were all gathering to pay up and Faggotron was smiling and staring.. i FUCKING THINK he's GAY!.. or he;s into beef.. cuz i think thru his eyes all he sees are steaks.. LOL.... u know i'm kinda meaty.. but dudeee.... HAHAHAHAH...

best part.. they wanna call ppl.. SIGH!.. is this how chinese ppl do things? gets mad after being called a girl.. cant suck it up cuz u lost badly? u guys taking the term sore losers to a WHOLE new level.. fucking embarassing.. maybe i overdid some stuff.. maybe like shouting goal everyime they concede.. then laugh loudly if they concede.. maybe if i was nicer.. hmmmmmmmmmm........... FUCK THEM!.. if they wanna be girls then so be it.. sigh..

ohh ohh.. to make things better.. the organizer Kelvin came in and said "who are these guys? who invited them? whose frens?" ahahahah see their faces.. sohai 1st time come play with us.. wanna be damn pro and show faces.. go die!..

no need fight one.. wanna settle this.. u go get 5 we get 5.. we paly it out in the court.. but o well.. most probably more fighting will happen then.. so watever..

IF ONLY EITHER ONE LANDED A PUNCH ON ME!.. I WUD WANT TO SEE THAT SPEAR FROM ZACH!.. HAHAHAH DAMNIT ZACH!.. i'm like kiinda imagining it.. hahaha..

omg.. not to mention.. Faggotron think he's damn pro.. kick the ball against the wall doing all the stupid shit then he kick it and hit the light.. it broke and fell.. 1st thing he did was pussied out.. smile like a dumb fuck and went and sit beside his frens.. == wtF? talk about girls..

o well.. we're so liked.. we got invited back!.. toobad for the other team.. looks we wont be seeing the dynamic fuckoles for some time.. the other 3 i dont mind.. they're nice.. even a guy from their team came up to me and said "sorry, he's always like that..".. FUCK U FAGGOTRON.. even ur teammates ran away.. sigh.. i feel sad for u now..

soooo thats how clearly i remember the incident.. i most probably wont be able to recall clearly if i went to bed.... so yeah.. futsal.. good times.. ahahah

wow.. i still cant believe.. i was called a pussy cuz i didnt wanna hit a guy whose pissed cuz i called him a girl.. juz WOW!.. wat a faggot..