Sitting here. In this bus ride. Right now as I'm heading back to Hanoi. Listening to the mix I've done, so many things running through my head, maybe I've kept it in long enough. I'm letting it all out.
Hey P, don't know if you're reading this. But if you did, I'm really sorry. For months, and nights, I lay awake under the ceiling of my room, wondering what went wrong so fast. What went to hell in just a split second.
I tried reasoning with myself. Tried understanding it from your point of view, it always comes back to the same answer: it's better if I leave. I didn't know what to do. I tried saving us. I pleaded myself to make it work. But deep down inside I knew it wouldn't.
I cannot bring myself to keep explaining myself to you. To keep assuring you my love to you was real. It made me felt like you kept thinking I was just trying to fool you. That was never my intention. I fell for you hard. Meteor killing dinosaurs, hard.
But yet, like the raging inferno, the love went away like ashes. Was it a mistake going into the relationship so fast? Were we rushing into things? I didn't think so, I thought it was going just fine.
I wanted to do so many things with you. So many things for you. I was even able to see a path for the both of us with you. My love for you wasn't a rebound. I didn't even fell for someone else. It was who you want me to be which I couldn't do.
I should have been honest with you. Asking me to change something I'm so used to doing with the justification of cause "I don't like it', killed it. There was no reasoning, no exchange. I changed so much for a person I couldn't even recognize myself. I wasn't prepared to do it again.
My heart kicked into overdrive, when it felt like being hurt again, it pulled me out. I ran. I didn't look back. I really do love you. I'll always do. But when it comes down to it, I've learn to save myself. Always.
