Im back. Not sure for how long. Just needed a place to say somethings and i remember. I HAVE THIS PLACE!!..
Public you say? I dont care. Why?
In a way im kinda stressed. I have this feeling inside me. Which I haven't felt for a long time. I dono why, it all started a few months back. Backup.. so I'm currently working in CBSA Berhad, which is like only 5 minutes away from home.
FUCK YEAH!! I wanted this job. Any job besides sales will do. Why? CAUSE ITS 5 MINUTES AWAY FROM HOME!!.. :D
Im not gonna lie to myself. So fuck it, I'll just say everything out here. If you read this then so be it. I don't care anymore.. maybe a little. AHH whatever~~
Yes in case if your thinking "IS IT A GIRL?" Yes. Yes. Its the only reason why i came back here. I just need to get it out. Fuck me.
I would really like to start formt he beginning cause i feel like i have FUCKING loads of things to say but fuck it.. im cutting it straight to the present. Its eating me up from the inside. Sigh, again, i havent felt this way in a long time. Not since Ms.E.
This feeling i have. It hurts. It pulls. and sinks. Ok. So to the main point. I think I've fallen for this girl. This girl. She's pretty that i cant deny, she's fair. She has long hair. Big eyes. Killer smile. Well yeah, i know alot of girls like that. Met them, know them but i didnt feel like this for them.
What sealed me in was our interaction. FUCK! The laughs we have, the smile on her face. I told you, KILLER SMILE. Her personality and character is something different. Totally different from S and i think in a way similar to E. Hmmm..
Is there an off switch? Am I in Vampire Diaries? No. So no off switch. Means im fucked. Fucked in the heart. I guess its bound to happen. We met at work about 3 months back. She is sitting opposite me. So means eye contact, face to face everyday for the past 3 months. We interacted, we laugh and smile at eatch another. Shit.. it was bad, it seems we were flirting, am i doing it intentionally, maybe, hey im just being me. She? fuck would i know, maybe she's doing it intentionaly, or she's just being nice, or she's like that, or she's completely oblivious to it.
So how i fell into this simple, MIXED SIGNALS. So we went out.. not on a date, for work, my job requires me to go out to see customer, she's new so i had to train her, so after we went to see out customer, we stopped over at chatime. YES FUCKING CHINESE I KNOW.. LOL
Whatever, we bought the drinks, sat down and talked. obviously i just got to know her, so i asked her some stuff you know. to expand our working relationship. So we talked. i got to know she hates lychee cause i ordered that and i like it. among other stuff, so i got to the million dollar question. At that time i was like running out of questions to ask so ASKING ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP STATUS would be normal right?
So i did, "are you single?" She gave me a smile and said "why?" Damnit women, the Mars aliens want to know! Obviously its a piece of information that i want to know. So i replied "asking only lo".. something like this i guess. So usually well people. Will give a "Yes" or a "No" answer. Its that fucking simple. HAHAHAHA guess what, she gave a third answer. "It's Complicated"....
.
.
.
.
.uhhh... oh...
WHAT?? Its complicated? My head started coming up with various explanations to fucking understand what did she just say...
So i was like, "that is not an answer!!" Stupidest answer to be ever said. I tried getting a definitive answer out but no joy. So what the fuck. Deep down inside i know the answer is yes. I mean come on. Right... But like me i was in denial, brain says yes, heart says no.
I told this to a few people, some told me she's trying to have fun, playing me, didnt want to get into a relationship, scared of me (LOL).. but what the hell i dont care, all i heard myself said is.. LETS DO THIS!!!!
And down the fucking rabbit hole i went. Maybe she wasnt in a relationship at that time. Just maybe dating someone. Fuck would i know the difference but there is.. Anywho, time continues, we would just sit opposite each another, telling each another jokes, making each another laugh and smile. Seen by others a flirting. Rumors started spreading in office...
Apparently its quite obvious that there is something going on between the two of us because we've been seen together alot. I mean what the fuck, we're in the same team and obviously we will be seen together alot. But nooo, apparently what we are seen doing together in public is quite obvious, the interaction we have. Hmmmm....... Times goes on... Once, we went to McDs after meeting a customer, bought two sunday cones and just sat in the car under the drizzle eating our ice cream.
Yeah if we were the couple, i would say that is romantic as fuck! but we werent.. just saying.....
We went to Penang, my genius idea of bringing all the BA's to Penang to clear outstanding cases and sort out those with problems, and also training the new BAs which is her and another colleague. So yeah, all and all it was quite a fun trip cause i think... we did get to know each another more..
Then one little day, she didnt drive to work, so i offered to send her home and she said her dad will come and pick her up.So i left, and i got home, chatted her up on Skype.We talked for a while and then she said her dad wasnt coming, so i reoffered my services.. (LOL).. and this time she said those words.
"bf coming to pick me"
Arrow to the heel, dagger to the heart, bullet to the head. Yup its cleared. So whatever.. Me reading that sentence didnt really an impact on me.. why? like i said deep down i knew it. So yeah. It didnt catch me by surprise..
Ok this might take quite long cause i need to explain alot of things. Im an idiot. I can honestly say that. Maybe i got too invested in something that is not going to bear fruits. Maybe i should not have put so much feeling into it. Then what? become an insensitive jerk? that is not me. Not at all. Im stuck here.
There's a saying.. "if it continues someones gonna get hurt" well i did. I have fallen for a person which i cannot have. I dont want to just stop all communication with her.. it hurts not talking to her. but if this continues it hurts too... so yeah. GREAT JOB MAN. Im stuck. Left or right? Up or down?
Worst thing is. People told me there are other guy collegues texting her too.. yeah. That got me by surprise. The moment i heard that, my heart sank, like it was dropped into a deep dark well. That feeling sucks. not sure it was jealousy or what. but i didnt like that feeling. Kinda still have those residual feelings at the moment. Pfft.. FUCK!!
Think i'll put a bookmark here. I think it is long enough. Not sure when the next post will be but it maybe repetitive. I have alot to say. FUCKING LOTS.. Sigh.......
Im in a well. A deep dark well and once in a while she lowers the pail for some water. I dont want to be that. I want to be her waterfall. LOL.. I have no idea to what im saying now. I keep my telling myself i dont care, but who am i trying to lie to? I do care, I cared. I cant move on. FUCK!~
Women, cant leave without them.. LOL well for me.. Sigh. So whoever reads this congrats! hahaha.. oh wells...
I'm coming home tonight. So give it all....
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