I suck at this. Badly. I have no idea what am i supposed to do. Is there like a manual for these kind of things? Yeah sign me up.
So kinda been a retarded week for me.. Well last week. Today's Tuesday so I cant tell you about this week till next week.. lol.
I dont remember the last time we made eye contact. Like seriously. Last time I look up, she looks up, BAM! Eye contact, followed up by the sweetest smile that could kill all my doubts, my trouble, my pain. Now, all thats left if a cold barren land where even viruses run for their life.
We hardly even talk. Sitting opposite me, we usually have a little chat. Short simple, but hey it makes me happy. Makes the sun shine brighter. I miss that. Its like she completely disappeared. Even though sitting right in front of me, she might as well not be there. But this is worst. I can see her but i cant do anything.
Nothing can be done. Maybe something can be done. But I don't know what to do. Sigh. I feel so helpless. Fuck.
You know, I'm wondering how she actually feels. Or what is she feeling. Well mind reading would be perfect at this time. Does she feel the same, does she feel even anything, is this one sided? Well, those questions will never be answered. I know.
Thats what makes it hurt so much. Maybe i kinda went in too fast. After years there is this huge hole in me and i want it filled desperately. Maybe its this rashness that led me to fall so fucking hard. I think I'm still falling. Maybe this is all because she has a boyfriend. Will it be different if she was single?
This is the overthinking shit that is going on in my head for the past few days. SOHAI LA ADRIAN. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT YOURSELF INTO.. At least last time, i have friends of the girls i like to talk to, to get some pointers and status update. Now, im like running behind enemy lines and FUCK. Stepped on a land mine.
Not gonna fucking survive. Not going to make it. Are we still in school? As much as I love high school drama, this is not the place and time to have one.
I have this other thing I have to say, so some people in my office thinks that I'm a playboy. WTF? LOL. I told the guys and laughter burst out faster than a fat kid's burp. I dono how it happened. Maybe its cause im friendly towards girls. I mean saying hi, wave and joking with them. I dont know..
Is this why she is keeping her distance from me? I remember this one time, she asked me a question, so i told her, and she says i was sweet. I told her that's good right, she told me guys shouldnt bee too sweet. O.o, am i gonna give you diabetes. Apparently guys being too sweet will lose sincerity and that would turn a girl off.
That to me was new. I mean that was the weapon all guys use right? Was she hurt in someway in the past for her to tell me something like this? Either she's inviting some drama into her life or being cautious. I dont know. FUCK..
Then there is another thing that is also going on. At this stage in life, I'm sure girls want someone whose ambitious, goal oriented and know what they want. Right? For a city girl, yeah, i think so too. Currently to be honest. I have on ambition, no goals and have no idea what the fuck i really want.
Thats how lost i am. Im just living in the moment, going with the flow, procrastinating and not doing anything to move forward in life. I guess its my way of slowing the fuck down after going all out for the thing i wanted most. My Rae.
Failed a year in Monash, knocked some sense into myself, i studied hard, even got ACED a few subjects and finally graduated, that feeling was awesome, cause i had a goal, i want to graduate, get a good job and buy my dream car at the time was the new CRZ. So what happen? I did it, graduated, found a job within a month and bippiddi boppidi boom, got my car.
My car is not to showoff, its not to get girls or attract stupid things. Its an achievement. My achievement. Something i got for myself. Something that i worked extremely hard for. In the end, what i really wanted is to share it with somebody. I thought she was going to be the one..
Maybe what i do is encouraging all these. People tell me that the both of us are being very obvious. Off course its obvious. IM OBVIOUSLY DOING IT OBVIOUSLY.. I heeded the warning yet i continue to feed it.
Sigh.. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH, so many things i wanna say, but i dont know how to connect them.. ZZzzz i feel distraught.
MAYBE ITS NOT ME!~ Its her, but somehow its affecting me. Sigh. Stupid feelings.
Its been raining since 8am. and most probably will continue till evening. Sigh. Hate this kind of weather. On the bright side, i get to wear my coat. I look fucking cool in it. LOL. At least some good came out of this.
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